Dear Readers,
Today, Miss Huang asked us to write a descriptive paragraph on the aftermath of war, and this is my attempt at the task. Please give me some feedback on how to improve. :)
Flanked on the two sides of what was previously a road, fallen buildings and destroyed homes fall victim to vicious bombings, degenerated to merely unrecognisable blocks of rock and cement. They lay strewn haphazardly along the pathways like pieces of rubbish all across the floor. Even the innocent roofs and window frames were not spared.
Exhausted soldiers clad in green uniforms emblazoned with spots of brown dashed into the front yard. They were greeted by an unpleasant odour of rotting corpses, mixed with the morning smell of dew accumulated over the night. Like valiant knights, they scuttled around the yard and searched through the bushes thoroughly for any signs of survivors. The touch of death was cold, as cold as ice.
Besides the occasional shouts of orders from the commander, the atmosphere was encompassed with an eerie silence. There was absolutely no sign of life along the road, deeming this place a desolate, lifeless land.
This was the sight of war, the sound of war, the touch of war, the taste of war and the smell of war.
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Thank you very much!
Best Regards,
Nathan :D
Hello Nathan! I liked how you applied the five senses technique, and I applaud your efforts in using metaphors and similies. Your ending is especially creative, as you emphasise the use of five senses. However, your expression is quite strange in certain areas, such as "the atmosphere was emcompassed with an eerie silence." I think a better word would have been "suffocated" or "shrouded". Then you could describe the air seeming to weigh down on the men, and even the commander's booming voice could not penetrate the blanketing silence of death.
ReplyDeleteBut it is a good effort, as you have indeed displayed that you learned how to write good descriptive paragraphs. However, do note that you need to develop a sense of when to use the most appropriate phrase. Trying to force fit phrases when they do not match just obfuscates the meaning.
Dear Daniel,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comments! I will take note of them and improve from there on! :)
Best Regards,
Nathan :)